‘Who am I that you are mindful of me?’

I want to share one of my most recent journal entries with you. I am not doing this to say ‘look at me I get it’ or ‘look at me I am such a good christian’ because If I am honest, I am not and don’t get it all. I am wicked to my core, I want to think, say and do wicked things, and it’s only through the grace of Christ that I don’t sometimes.
This is a look into my life, and the things I am struggling with, because deep down I know that I am not the only one who thinks like this or who struggles with certain things. I want to present this to you in the most humble way as possible. I think that this could be useful to someone, so if you think you know someone point them this way.
Like I say mid way through the entry, these things I talk about struggling with are not new concepts, people have struggled with this since the time that our Lord walked this earth, and people will struggle with this until He returns again. So I hope there is something to learn from this;

“Sept. 21st, 2010
I know the bible calls me to ‘count it all joy’ (James 1: 2) in the times of trials and suffering, and that ‘who am I to know tomorrow’ (not exact quote; James 4: 13-16), meaning that God is sovereign and in control of what is happening and going on in my life. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or without pain. Suffering is by definition an ‘experience of [to] be subjected to something bad or unpleasant (Oxford Dictionary). Naturally going through suffering is hard and does cause some pains emotionally and thats what’s happening to me. God is tearing me apart right now, putting me through intense trials of faith. he is in some sense rocking me all the ay to my foundation to see if I truly trust in Him, even down to the simplest things all the way up to life’s biggest questions.
Currently I am fasting, I am trusting in the Lord to totally control and strengthen me through the days. This is day two and I see many ways in my life that I am not trusting in the Lord. Just in the short hours I have been awake already I have put more trust in myself and what I can do to get myself by rather than trusting in the God of the universe. This is not a new concept, it’s just that I have yet to fully understand and see it working in all areas of my life. In Psalm 8 the psalmist talks about how when he peers into the heavens and sees the stars he is overwhelmed and asks ‘what is man that you are mindful of him.’
This is how I feel, Lord who am I that you are mindful of me? But in this very question lies a brilliant truth! The truth that God is mindful of me! That God has ‘searched me and knows me’ (Psalm 139 v.1) That God knows my every thought and action, that no matter what I do the Lord is with me. What a brilliant and wonderful truth! If the Lord God our Father knows my heart and the very words I am going to say next, don’t you think he is in control of where my life is headed? Or how my support raising is going? Or how much money I have? Or who my friends are and where I am at? Isn’t he in sovereign control of what I am doing, thinking and saying? Oh how much I want to believe this truth more!
In my head I know it, but by my actions and my heart I do not. ‘Lord I believe but help my unbelief!’ (Mark 9: 24) Just like the father of the son with the unclean spirit, I know the Lord can do marvelous things but do I truly believe it? Oh God your truth reigns true and heave on my soul! Why do I doubt? Am I no better than a Pharisee? Do I know the law but not practice it? Do I have faith but not show it? Why do I doubt you? I am a ‘double-minded man, unstable in all my ways” (James 1: 8 ) Do I even trust that you will give me air to breath? Lord I am a sinner, no better or worse than the man next to me! Forgive me, forgive my doubt, forgive my wicked, double-minded ways.
I pray that you will transform me! I pray that you will give me strength to continue on, I pray that you will continue to put my faith to the test, that you will continue the suffering in my life. Help me to be more and more dependent on you as time goes on till there is no doubt in my mind that, like the bible says, there is nothing outside of your control and in your sovereign will for me. Help me be more like Jesus, and to love him with all my soul mind and strength!”